Bridlegoose Obama
February 24, 2014 • 10:35AM

How Pantagruel was present at the trial of Bridlegoose Obama, who decided assassinations, executive orders, and lethal legislation by the chance and fortune of the dice.

Pantagruel came to the impeachment hearings in Washington to hear the decision of all the causes, arguments, and reasons, which Bridlegoose Obama, in his own defense, would produce why he had decided to kill and spy on American citizens, issue unconstitutional executive orders, and propose genocidal legislation. Pantagruel, entering into the court, found Bridlegoose sitting within the middle of the enclosure of the said court of justice; who immediately upon the coming of Pantagruel went to the bar, had his indictment read and, for all his reasons, defenses, and excuses, answered nothing else but that he was become mentally infirm and that his sight of late was very much failed and become dimmer than it was wont to be. By reason of which infirmity he was not able so distinctly and clearly to discern the points of the dice as formerly he had been accustomed to do. Thus he might have been mistaken in taking a four for a five or a three for a two.

"This I beseech your worships" Bridlegoose Obama told his judges in the impeachment proceedings, "to take into your consideration and to have the more favorable opinion of my uprightness (notwithstanding the prevarications whereof I am accused)."

The Speaker asked: "What kind of dice do you mean?"

Bridlegoose Obama answered: "The dice of death sentences, executive orders, and all manner of legislation" (citing Posner, Vermeule, and Sunstein as his authority).

"But how is it that you do these things?" asked the Speaker.

"I very briefly shall answer you according to the doctrine and instructions I learned at Harvard Law School and taught at the University of Chicago; which is conformable to what is said by the distinguished Nazi jurist Carl Schmitt in his theory of arbitrary executive."

"Having well and exactly seen, surveyed, overlooked, reviewed, recognized, read, and read over again, turned, and tossed over seriously, purused, and examined the bills of complaint, accusations, impeachments, indictments, warnings, citations, summonings, comparitions, appearances, mandates, commissions, delegations, instructions, informations, inquests, preparatories, productions, evidences, proofs, allegations, depositions, cross speeches, contradictions, supplications, requests, petitions, enquiries, instruments of the deposition of witnesses, rejoinders, replies, confirmations of former assertions, duplies, triplies, answers to rejoinders, writings, deeds, reproaches, disabling of exceptions taken, grievances, salvation-bulls, re-examination of witnesses, confronting of them together, declarations, denunciations, libels, certificates, royal missives, letters of appeal, letters of attorney, instruments of compulsion, delinatories, anticipatories, evocations, messages, dimissions, issues, exceptions, dilatory pleas, demurs, compostions, injunctions, reliefs reports, returns, confessions, acknowledgments, exploits, executions, and other such-like confects and spiceries, both at the one and the other side, as a good prosecutor, jury, judge, and executioner ought to do, confirm to what has been noted thereupon. I posite, on the end of a table in oval closet, all the pokes and bags of the defendant, and then allow unto him the first hazard of the dice, according to the usual manner. That being done, I thereafter lay down, upon the other end of the same table, the bags and satchels of the plaintiff just over against one another; then do I likeways and semblably throw the dice for him, and forthwith livre him his chance."

"But my friend, how came you to know, understand, and resolve, the obscurity of various and seeming contrary passages in law?" asked the Speaker. Bridlegoose Obama answered: "When there are many bags on the one side and on the other, I then use my little small dice in obedience to the law. I have other large dice, fair and goodly ones, which I employ when the matter is more plain, clear, and liquid; that is to say, when there are fewer bags." The Speaker then asked: "But when you have done all these fine things, how do you award your decrees and pronounce judgment?" Bridlegoose Obama then explained: "I give out sentence in his favor unto whom hath befallen the best chance by dice; judiciary, tribunian, pretorial, what comes first; so my law commands."

How Bridlegoose Obama giveth reasons why he looked over those law-papers which he decided by the chance of the dice.

"Yea, but," said the Speaker, "seeing it is by the lot, chance, and throw of the dice, that you award your judgments and sentences, why do not you livre up those fair throws and chances, the very same day and hour, without any farther procrastination or delay?"

Bridegoose Obama replied: "First for formality sake; the omission whereof, that it maketh all whatever is done to be of no force nor value, is excellently well proved. Secondly, they are useful and steadable to me in lieu of some other honest and healthful exercise. Reggie Love, my prime physical trainer, hath frequently told me, that the lack and default of bodily exercise is the chief, if not the sole and only cause of the little health and short lives of all such as I am. And as much as I like basketball, there is no exercise, sport, game, play, nor recreation in all this palatine, palacial, or parliamentary world, more aromatizing and fragrant (given my propensity to sweat odiferously) than to throw dice. Thirdly, I consider that time ripeneth and bringeth all things to maturity, as in the present case of thermonuclear war. The way had to be prepared by Libya, then Syria, and now Ukraine."

How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose Obama in the matter of sentencing actions at law by the chance of the dice.

Bridlegoose Obama, having plainly confessed his final judging and determinating of death sentences by the mere chance and fortune of the dice, Pantagruel argued that if Bridlegoose Obama agreed to resign, he should be pardoned as was his predecessor Richard Nixon for the following reasons.

"In the first place, his mental infirmity. Secondly, simplicity, being a simpleton, i.e., lacking all intelligence and being a mere a stooge of the Queen. Thirdly," Pantaguel said, "truly, it seemeth unto me, that, in the whole series of Bridlegoose's juridical decrees, there hath been I know not what of extraordinary savouring of the unspeakable benignity of God, that all those his preceding sentences, awards, and judgments have been confirmed and approved by the U.S. Congress and the Supreme Court. But I shall only beseech you to pardon him upon these two conditions: first, that surety be provided that he can no longer threaten the existence of the human species and that he is deprived of the power to kill any more human beings. Secondly, that, for his subsidiary aid you would be pleased to appoint and assign unto him some pretty, little, virtuous, counselor, younger, learneder, and wiser than he, i.e., someone other than Valerie Jarrett, by the square and rule of whose advice he may be rendered harmless to his fellow man and to himself. Finally I shall cordially entreat you to make a present and gift of him to me, who shall find in my kingdoms, charges, and employments enough wherewith to imbusy him in harmless, self-absorbing games of no threat to the human species and the nation with which he was so foolishly entrusted."