Mistress Quickly Jarrett and Doll Tear-Sheet Rice Take Charge of the White House Situation Room
February 25, 2014 • 11:29AM

While Obama occupied himself in the gym between the West and East Wings of the White House with Pistol John Brennan and the world careened towards thermonuclear war, the situation room was being run as it was during Benghazi, not by the president, but by Mistress Quickly Jarrett and Doll Tear-Sheet Rice.

During the impeachment hearings of Obama, who proved to have been missing in action as usual, transcripts of the meetings in the situation room were released under subpoena. Hostess Quickly Jarrett seemed to be the one who controlled the proceedings:

Host Jarrett: Alas the day! Take heed of him: he stabbed me in mine own house, and that most beastly: in good faith, he cares not what mischief he doth, if his weapon be out; he will foin like any devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child.

It had not been expected that Host Jarrett would be so forthright in her appraisal of Obama as a danger to man, woman, and child, although all suspected it was the case. Could this be the smoking pistol?

Host Jarrett: I am undone by his going; I warrant you he's an infinitive thing upon my score. A hundred mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to bear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne; and have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass, and a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.

In between dribbles in the gym, Obama made a brief appearance in the situation room. Mistress Quickly Jarrett demanded that Fang arrest him. To which Obama responded:

Obama: Throw the quean in the Potomac.

Host Jarrett: Throw me in the Potomac? I'll throw thee in the Potomac. Wilt thou? Wilt thou? Thou bastardly rogue! Murder, murder! O thou honey-suckle villain!

Obama, having a high opinion of himself, responded:

Obama: What is the gross sum that I owe thee?

Host Jarrett: Marry if thou wert an honest man, thyself, and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin camber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon Wednesday in Whitsam-week, when the prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing man of Windsor; thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me, and make me my lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly? And didst thou not, when she was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with such poor people; saying, that ere long they should call me madam and didst thou not kiss me and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath; deny it, if thou canst.

Afraid that they might be overheard by Michelle, Obama returned to the gym where he engaged in various exercises with Pistol John Brennan, making a variety of moves which he learned from his younger years in Hawaii with older men.

As the world situation became even hotter, with Russian President Putin trying to reach Obama on the hot line, Mistress Quickly Jarrett and Doll Tear-Sheet Rice entered the situation room. Little had the Congressmen guessed that it was they and only they who took charge of the situation room in Obama's absence.

Host Jarrett: I' faith, sweet heart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temporality; your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your color, I warrant you, is as red as any rose in good truth, la! But i' faith, you have drunk too much canaries; and that's a marvelous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say, —what's this? How do you now?

Doll Rice: Better than I was. Hem!

Host Jarrett: Why, that's well said; a good hearts worth gold. Look, here comes Obama.

Enter Obama singing after his regular Tuesday assassination meeting with the older Pistol Brennan.

Obama: How now, Mistress Doll Rice?

Doll Rice: You muddy rascal.

Obama: You make fat rascals, mistress Doll.

Doll Rice: I make them! Gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

Host Jarrett: Why, this is the old fashion; you two never meet, but you fall to some discord: you are both, in good troth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's conformities. To Doll Rice. You are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.

Doll Rice: Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? There's a whole merchant's venture of Bordeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk better stiffed in the hold. Enter Drawer McDonough:

Drawer McDonough: Sir ancient Pistol Brennan's below, and would speak with you.

Doll Rice: Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither: it is the foul-mouthdst rogue in the USA

Host Jarrett: If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my faith; I must live amongst my neighbors; I'll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the very best shut the door; there comes no swaggerers here! I have not lived all this while, to have swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you.

Obama: Dost thou hear, hostess?

Host Jarrett: Tilly-Fally, Barry, never tell me; your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. No I'll no swaggers.

Obama: He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, he; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound: he will not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call him up Drawer McDonough.

Host Jarrett: Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater: but I do when one says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake: look you, I warrant you

Doll Rice: So you do hostess.

Host Jarrett: Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I an twere an aspen leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.

Pistol John Brennan: God save you sir Barry!

Obama: Welcome, ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess.

Pistol Brennan: I will discharge upon her, sir Barry, with two drones.

Obama: She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend her.

Host Jarrett: Come, I'll drink no proofs, nor no bullets; I'll drink no more than will do me good, for no mans pleasure, I.

Pistol Brennan: Then to you, mistress Susan, I will charge you.

Doll Rice: Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! You poor, base rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.

Pistol Brennan: I know you, Mistress Susan.

Doll Rice: Away, you cut-purse rascal! You filthy bung, away! By this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! You basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you sir? What! With two points on your shoulder much!

Pistol Brennan: I will murder your ruff for this.

Obama: No more Pistol; I would not have you go off here; discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

Host Jarrett: No, good captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.

Doll Rice: Captain! Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you have earned them. You a captain, you slave! For what? For tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain? Hang him, rogue! He lives upon mouldy stewed prunes, and dried cakes. A captain! Gods light! These villains will make the word captain as odious as the word occupy, which was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains had need look to it.

As the transcripts were read aloud in the Senate chambers, even the Democrats, who held the majority, were taken aback. Putin, who had waited for hours to speak with the President, never received a return call. Not only was the President missing in action enamored of a cheater and a murderer, but his senior advisors Mistress Quickly Jarrett and Doll Tear-Sheet Rice were clearly incapable of the kind of strategic thinking required in the situation room, overwhelmed by their own professional obsessions.

Although the Senators would normally have accepted such behavior due to their own propensities to readily engage in the world's oldest profession, the release of the transcripts made it impossible to maintain the cover up of the inner workings of the Obama White House, which had been turned into a tavern.

The Democratic-controlled Senate was forced to vote to impeach the President. Host Jarrett and Doll Rice were given generous severance packages which included job retraining and Pistol John Brennan was duly discharged.

President Joe Biden finally returned Putin's call on the hotline. Thermonuclear war was avoided. Humanity was given the possibility of a future.